Always Have
by viking-bride
Summary: Lily's recollection of they day she realised, she didn't hate James Potter.. ONESHOT


**Copyright J.K Rowling.**

_Dear diary,_

_My my, how I have contradicted myself, prior to previous belief, I certainly do not hate James Potter. I understand, how I have misled myself, but I'll tell you Diary, the events leading up to the moment, when I truly realised I didn't hate __Potter__ James could have made anyone fall for him, including a giant squid. _

_The day started completely normal, I still had my modesty and self pride which would approximately in 12 hours time, be out the window. _

_Once I had done the daily routine of getting ready and going down to breakfast, I had my first lesson, Potions. NEWT level Potions wasn't all that bad, I found the subject rather easy and Slughorn adored me. Anyway, Potter had sat in front of me, which unnerved me slightly as he normally sat at the back next to Sirius, in fact, all of the Marauders (Who amazingly had fulfilled the expectations to continue with NEWT level potions) where all sat separately. I smiled at Remus, who I hadn't seen all weekend, he replied with a smile, but it wasn't warm, it was emotionless, that's when I knew something was wrong…_

"What's up, Potter?" I had asked, and he turned around on his stool.

"Why'd you ask?" Now that I had seen his face, he looked undoubtedly tired, an obvious sign of lack of sleep.

I rolled my eyes. "You're sat on your own."

"I fancied a change."

"You never sit at the front."

"Like I said, I fancied a change." He turned back around to face the front, and I glared at his back as he did it, the one downside to NEWT potions was that none of my friends had gotten the grade to continue with it, so I had to sit alone, and endure four sulking hormonal boys while I was at it.

_Once Slughorn had set the days potion, the tension in the air had begun to cool, the Marauders made sure to ignore each other, and if I was going to endure two hours of this, I'd get to the bottom of it._

"So, you're all not mates?" I asked James as he asked me to borrow a chopping knife.

"Oh, you're sharp." He said sardonically.

"As a knife." I commented, pointing to the knife.

"Yeah, we're not mates, alright? Can I borrow the knife.."

I moved the knife out of his reach. "What happened?"

"Trust me, Evans, it's none of your concern."

"Alright then" I said, and began to use the knife.

"Seriously? You're seriously pretending to use the knife?"

I looked up at him, "borrow from someone else."

He looked around the room, we shared this class with Slytherin's there was no way in hell they'd lend him one, and the only other Gryffindor's where the Marauders.

"Come on Evans, I'll only be a sec."

"Tell me what this big fall out is about."

"No, you won't be able to fix anything, so stay out of it."

_Frankly, I felt a little disheartened by this statement, I was normally the person that fixed arguments, that reunited relationships, he knew full well I was capable of fixing it, he just didn't want me to._

"Bollocks. Tell me."

"Ask your precious Severus." James said hotly.

I looked behind me to Severus who was glaring at me and James while he chopped his Dragon skin, I turned back to James.

"You know we're not mates." I said flatly.

"Yeah, I'm sorry that was…low." He ran his fingers through his hair.

I slid the knife across the work bench to him, but didn't look up from my potion.

_There are many reasons why I can't be civil with James.  
This was one of them.  
He always knew which buttons to press. _

About five minutes later, he turned back around, knife in hand.

"Here ya go." And he put the knife back on my bench.

"Thanks." I said idly.

"Something happened on Friday night." James said quietly.

I looked up at him.

_It seemed like he was going to tell me what had happened._

"Right.."

"We're all not mates because of that, Snape's involved with it, I'm not even going to tell you anymore than that because you'll just try to fix it, and that's not what this needs."

_But he didn't. _

He turned back to his cauldron then, and by the end of potions, the lack of interaction between the four old friends was irritating me, what once had annoyed me I now missed, the Marauders being together and pranking.

_And trust me when I say I never thought I'd say that._

Sirius was out of the classroom first, practically sprinting out to next lesson; I looked at James' reaction, _sadness._ Quickly washed away when Peter came over talking to him in hushed tones before trotting of his lesson. I was unaware that I had remained stood at my work bench watching the scene unfold, until James shouted me.

"Oi, Evans, you coming?"

I nodded and walked out the classroom with him.

"What was that about?"I asked, referring to Peter coming to whisper to him.

"Nothing." James said flatly. "Have we got Defence Against the Dark Arts, now?"

I nodded.

"Who do you normally sit next to?" He asked me, I took a moment to answer.

"Why…"

"It's just, there aren't any spare desks, and I normally sit next to Sirius…"

I smirked. "I'm sure Marlene would be delighted to swap places with you."

_She wasn't._

"No!" Marlene had shouted through a whisper "I'm not swapping!"

"Please, McKinnon" James pleaded "I'll owe you."

"You'd have to hex me into next year before I sit next to Black!"

I sighed. "James, you have my seat, alright?"

_And because of the blatant martyr that I am, I swapped seats with James Potter._

I sat down next to Sirius.

"Did you draw the short straw then?" Sirius asked, but with a half smile.

"Yep, unlucky me."

Sirius laughed it off. "To be honest I thought he'd stand his ground."

"What do you mean?"

"Make me move seats, so he could sit here."

"Would you have moved?"

Sirius nodded.

I rolled my eyes. "Push over."

Sirius shrugged. "I deserve everything I get."

I raised my eyebrows at him, "Now that definitely doesn't sound like you."

He traced his fingers along his lips before answering, "Well I suppose I'm not quite sure who I am anymore."

_I didn't have an answer to that, as feeble as his words where, it just seemed so…genuine, like he really believed what he'd said. I wanted to reassure him, but then I thought he must have done something bloody awful for his best mates to refuse to stand by him. Back in fourth year, when he had hexed four Gryffindor second years, all because he'd had a confrontation with his brother in the corridor, and almost everyone in Gryffindor was giving him the cold shoulder and refused to interact with him, James, Remus and Peter all stuck by him. And you know what? I was getting nosy, I didn't even want to fix it anymore, I just wanted to know what on earth Sirius Black had done…_

The rest of DADA was awkward, it was a theory lesson so we spent most of it copying out of the text books, the class was animated and chatty, and I had nothing to say to the boy sat next to me.

"I don't suppose you'll tell me why you're all not mates then?" I asked quietly.

He shook his head. "I don't really want to."

I nodded. "Okay."

"Has Snape said, y'know..anything to you about..anything?"

I frowned at Sirius, "I haven't spoken to him for ages…we don't really talk anymore."

He nodded fervently. "Oh."

"Nothings been right since 5th year, since _that _incident."

Sirius nodded again. "Oh yeah."

"Didn't you know we weren't mates?"

"Not really, no."

"Oh, I thought most people did."

"We've never really talked that much, Evans."

"Regardless," I started. "'that weird ginger girl from Gryffindor and that greasy haired Slytherin lad aren't mates anymore' blah blah blah" I said in a silly high pitched voice.

He looked back at me blankly, clear amusement on his face.

"You _never _heard _anything_? _You _never heardanything?"

Sirius shrugged. "Maybe James mentioned it or something, I don't listen to gossip."

I snorted. "I find that hard to believe."

"Fine, gossip that doesn't concern me."

"Conceited prick."

Sirius chuckled. "Sounds about right."

I rolled her eyes. "Just apologise to your mates. I don't like, this." and waved my hands infront of Sirius.

Sirius grimaced. "Already done that, but I don't want them to be sorry, I don't deserve it."

I banged my head on the desk three times. "You're all so bloody morbid today, just kiss and make up and then everyone will be happy again, I'm being serious, Sirius, your lack of friendship is affecting the whole school, you have more impact than you know."

_And it was very true; the whole school seemed rather glum without the weekly dose of pranks. Peeves hadn't thrown ink at anyone for a total of three days; it was frankly, a record._

Sirius shook his head. "They'll get over it."

The bell sounded for the end of the lesson, but Sirius didn't rush out straight away this time, he simply walked with me.

"Are you going down for lunch now?" He asked.

"I'm taking my books back to the common room first.."

"Alright." He said and followed me back to the common room, in fact, he followed me about for the rest of that day, sitting with me in lessons and then at dinner, I wasn't enormously annoyed by it, because I did have sympathy with him, it was just a bit of an inconvenience with Marlene, because she hated him.

_And to be frank, it made me feel better personally that I was doing something to help the situation, if nobody was going to tell me in fear that I'd try and 'fix' it, then at least I could be a friend to one of them. I was coming to terms with the fact that I'd probably have Black following me about until he reunited with the Marauders, when James marched (Yes, marched) over to the couch we was sat on in the common room and stood before us._

"I just have to say something." James announced.

"To me?" I asked, weary.

"No. Him." He pointed rudely at Sirius.

Sirius didn't say anything and looked slowly up from his homework. "Oh, er.."

"Just fucking stop it, alright?" James said harshly.

Sirius didn't say anything and just looked down. James continued.

"Stop bumming up to anyone that will accept you because you've lost your mates, you brought this on yourself, pal."

"Er, excuse me!"I interrupted. "Don't make me out as some charity that just takes people in that have been cast aside. Sirius is my mate."

James glared at me, eventually ignoring my comment and turning back to Sirius.

"Stop crawling up nice peoples arses and infecting them with your presence, alright? It's probably unwanted anyway." He spat.

_I expected Sirius to just sit there, and let James call him every name under the sun, but he just snapped, he retaliated in the last way I expected him to…_

Sirius stood quickly, the books on his lap falling to the floor. "Do you ever _shut up_?"

James blinked at him, clearly surprised at the question. "I don't think you have a right to talk to me like that."

Sirius laughed, humourlessly. "I'm sorry your fucking majesty."

James raised his eyebrows. "Fuck off Sirius. Evans doesn't know what you've done. Bet she'd run a mile if she did, everyone fucking would. You're a horrible person… I _hate _you."

Sirius stared at him, in horror of his final words, 'hate' was such a strong word.

*WHACK*

_And that's when Sirius punched James. In the face. _

James staggered back, a few moments passed, the common room was in silence at the sight they'd just seen, and James, in retaliation, punched him back.  
Not before long, the fight escaladed and was in full blow, after a few seconds, I realised I needed to do something.

"STOP IT!" I screamed, but they ignored me. People where gathering around now, cheering them on.

James had his back to me, so a wrapped my arms around his chest, keeping his arms by his side, and tried to pull him back.

_James Potter is bloody stronger than he looks. Quidditch has served him well._

It didn't even stop the fight, Sirius seemed unaware of my presence and was getting free hits at James, who was getting annoyed being in my wrath, eventually two 5th year boys stepped in and pulled Sirius out, after several seconds of attempted squaring up to each other, I had James sat in the corridor outside of the common room, nursing a bust lip.

I sat opposite him. "You're an idiot."

He glared at me. "Sirius is just as bad."

I raised my eyebrows. "You initiated the fight."

"He punched _me _first!"

"Don't act like the victim, Potter, you where looking for an argument."

He ran his fingers through his hair as people walked in and out of the portrait hole, staring at him, clearly aware of what just happened. "Fuck this." He stood up and offered me his hand. I looked at it.

"What?"

"I'm not sitting here with everyone staring at me."

_Trust me when I say I weighed up my options, I did not automatically agree to it._

"Then go up to your dorm."

"Er." He mumbled something quietly

I smirked at him. "What was that, Potter?"

"I said, they'll all be in there and it's a bit awkward between us right now."

I grinned at him, "Aw, little pottah scared to see his fwends?"

James tried to hide his amusement at my joke, so started walking off down the corridor.

_How the hell was I being civil with Potter, and why did I follow him down that corridor? To be honest I still can't quite decide whether I regret it or not. (I don't.) _

"You know, you discombobulate me, Potter." I said when we'd been walking the corridors for a bit.

"I'm sorry, I what?"

"Discombobulate me."

He smirked. "Yeah, I don't know what that means, my vocabulary isn't quite as extensive as yours, Evans."

"It's my favourite word!" I laughed. "It means confuse."

"So I confuse you?"

"Yes."

"Well why didn't you just say that instead of your fancy words?"

"Because Discombobulated is my favourite word." I replied simply.

He narrowed his eyes. "You know what Evans? It's a terrific word."

"Spectacularly spiffing."

"Insanely imaginative."

"Blatantly brilliant."

"Curiously cool."

"No."

"Oh right."

"That was terrible."

James shrugged. "It's late, my poetic ability is slipping."

I snorted. "It was never even there, Potter."

James looked betrayed. "I thought you loved me, Evans."

I stared at him as serious faced as I could. "You thought wrong."

"I thought what we had was real? I thought we were genuine!" James said with the straightest face he could manage.

I shrugged. "That all changed when you shagged Slughorn behind my back!" I started to fake cry.

"He meant nothing to me, I swear!" James protested, failing to hide laughter.

"How many girls have you said that to?" I questioned.

"Just you baby, he was shit shag anyway."

We burst out laughing.

"Merlin Evans, I love you!" James said through breathless laughter.

"You're so weird." I replied, still aching with laughter.

"Ey, you made it kinky." He winked at me.

I rolled my eyes, "It's called improvisation."

"Dirty girl."

I scoffed and walked ahead.

_He didn't know I was smiling when I did this._

"Aw, I'm sorry" James apologised but I ignored him.

Before we knew it we were on the seventh floor corridor, almost back at the common room, I turned to walk to the portrait hole but James interlocked his hands with mine and pulled me away from it, turning down the other corridor.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

_I didn't even resist. Urgh, looking back I remind myself of one of his crazed fangirls._

He winked at me. "Talking now are we, Evans?"

I rolled my eyes. "Let's go back…it's nearly curfew."

"Be spontaneous."

"You did not just say that."

"Yep, I reckon I did."

When we were at the end of the corridor we reached the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy. James stopped and faced the opposite wall.

I looked at him. "You've gone mad."

He nodded and grinned, and proceeded to walk backwards and forwards three times.

I didn't realise that there was a door there. Had it even been there before.

"Was that door there before?" I asked.

"Nah." He replied simply, before opening it and walking in.

I followed him in, feebly and was welcomed by an empty dimly lit room.

"Well this is…unexpected." James said surprisingly.

"You mean, you've never been in here before?" I said moving closer to the door.

"Course I've been in here before, the interior changes depending on what the person uses it for."

"And what do you intend to use it for?" I asked, wearily.

"Can't say."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Git."

"Take a seat." He suggested.

"There's nowhere to sit."

But there was.  
Out of nowhere a shabby couch appeared and I sat down on it cautiously.

James sat down next to me and grinned, there was an awkward silence.

_Trust me, it was awkward._

After a few seconds of studying James' face, he spoke up.

"Look, I know you 'hate' me." He started.

"Well, I don't hate you." I jumped in.

He looked hopeful. "No?"

I smirked. "Hate's a bit of a strong word, to be honest."

He nodded and continued. "But y'know, we only have 3 months left at school."

I frowned. "Yeah…"

"And to be honest, it's like seven years wasted effort with something I've never had the balls to do, so fuck Gryffindor courage, I need your help."

"Okay." I nodded. "I can help you."

James smiled, reassuring himself more than me.

_AND THAT'S WHEN HE MOVED CLOSER TO ME._

_I didn't even move away. Oh Merlin, I make myself cringe. _

_I think you know what's coming next._

He kissed me on the cheek.

Unexpected? Yes.

I stared at him, as he studied my face.

"You didn't hex me." He said clearly shocked.

"I know." I said idly, my head was a mess.

"Why?"

"I don't know."

He brought his head down again, and I thought he was going to kiss me.

But he didn't.

He whispered in my ear. "I think you enjoyed that."

I got Goosebumps all down my neck when his breath caressed my skin. It was hot and sweet. He kissed my neck and I rolled my head into it, holding back the moan that was escaping my lips.

_I was turning into putty for James Potter._

I felt him chuckle next to me.

_I hated myself. _

"You like this." He stated.

I released a shaky breath, only to confirm his point.

_He was teasing me. _

"Justkissmepotter." I mumbled.

"What was that?"

"Kiss me. Please."

_And he did._

My head was spinning, his lips where firm against mine, and felt them slowly part and try to open mine, I followed, only too obligingly. It was the best kiss I'd ever had, so much that it made me gasp a little, his tongue took advantage and began to wrestle with mine, a battle for dominance.

I was touching every part of him I could, making myself useful and not let my hormones take over me, I was tracing the muscles of his back with my hands and he liked this. He groaned.

_I made James Potter groan. My God. _

His hands where tracing my body lightly, when they reached my neck it sent a warm tingling feeling around my body, making me let out a moan that I couldn't help. He liked this also, because he kept doing it, eventually making me a big mess of hormones that if he ever let go of me, I'd fall apart.

_But then he pulled away._

And I felt, empty.

He was looking at me intently.

"Stop it." I said looking down, embarrassed.

"No, you're beautiful."

I blushed insanely at this. "Thank you." I said softly.

"How are you?" he asked me, randomly.

"Erm" I laughed nervously. "I can't breathe, my heads just…" I trailed off mid sentence.

"Same."

"Guess we have a similar effect on each other then." I laughed.

He nodded. "I don't really think there are words to describe how I feel, yeah, I was a complete prick to you for the past seven years, but right now, you and me? This just excites me to an unfamiliar degree and I'd really like to kiss you again."

I grinned. "I think I'd like you to kiss me again."

"Well then I should probably kiss you again." He said inching closer.

"Then kiss me again."

_And that is why I no longer hate James Potter, bugger it, I never have. He was very gentlemanly about the whole ordeal and said we can still keep up the façade, and I can 'hate' him for a while longer.  
But I don't think I will.  
Because, well, fuck it, I'm in love with James Potter, and probably always have been. _

**AU- Complete drabble. I started writing this last night in a major procrastination against revision and finishing the next chapter to my other fic, so reviews? It's a different style of writing for me, so tell me what you think.**


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